Archive for the ‘Fucking Boring’ Tag

More MySQL Replacements Announced

Friday, April 5th, 2013

With concerns that Oracle’s acquisition of Sun calls into doubt the future of the popular free database system MySQL, developers have been hard at work creating viable replacements for them. The picture has become quite confusing, so we’ve compiled a special digest of all the players, to help you get to grips with the changing database landscape.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

Mega Attack Bitch Overlord DB

Developer: Tweeeeek Vurbishingleplop

Licence: Public Fruity Nice 3.7(ab6)

Description: Tweeeeek has been concentrating on securing the venture funding to secure the project long term. He is somewhat behind target at only 3.6 Billion Dollars, but hopes to fill his boots and actually have a product in the coming months. So far, a couple of IDE’s have been fiddled with and a PERL script that automatically fetches Pictures of Pamela Anderson with her knockers out from the web, is on Git Hub in Alpha form.

My Scrotal Tickle DB

Developer: Scrotal McTickle

Licence: Bork! Bork! 36

Description: My Scrotal Tickle has been causing an enormous fucking tsunami of interest amongst database fans. Much of the interest lies around the promises Scrotal made at TECHFUCKCon East last month. The precise details of how it will use the force to predict the installation requirements before an administrator even thinks them up, are unclear. Scrotal has also promised the syntax will be Marsupial friendly.

BD BD BD BD BD DB

Developer: Buck Rogers

Licence: Open Foreskin Sniff **!/john

Description: Rumours that the CIA are backing the development of BD BD BD BD BD DB, were started by Buck Rogers (aka Colin Failure) down his local pub. Buck has focused his development efforts on sticking his left index finger up his arse, pulling it out and asking passers by what it smells like. Buck is unmarried and can be easily manipulated by mentioning “that thing with Jill Dando”.

My Linux Action DB

Developer: Saturn Irritations INC

Licence: How to Monetise a Turd with Sound FX 3.0

Description: After choking down Larry Ellison’s noggin, Saturn will probably just slap an annoying sound board module that can’t be switched off into standard Oracle MySQL, and shit it out onto the market with a hugely inflated price and claim they’ve done the world a favour. Already, reports are emerging from sources within the development team that factions are working on “getting him to shave that fruity fucking Riker knock off beard and attend a comedy workshop to learn some funny”.

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