Archive for the ‘Not a News Story’ Category

WTF-Live Event! WrongCamp 14

Saturday, October 4th, 2014

On Friday, WTFL’s own Global Logistics Resourcing Manager, Grubby Dave from City Link, successfully sodded off down the pub instead of doing his afternoon drops. While refreshing himself with a 4th pint of Gin & Tonic, he checked to see if there was anything worth selling and blaming the loss on gypsies.

Fortunately, OggCamp had donated all their T-shirts to Europe’s premier Syphilis Culture and Sharing Conference WrongCamp 14.

wrongcamp14-logoThis year there will be:

Tee Shirts!!

Syphilis!!

Communal Itching Sessions!!

Tee Shirts!!

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New Ubuntu Edge Indigogo Campaign Announced

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

Earlier today, Canonical and the Ubuntu project announce an Indigogo Campaign to fund the initial release of their “Edge” Mobile phone soft and hard ware.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/ubuntu-edge

wtflinux’s senior industry correspondent Jose Maria von Ticklebollock put forward our official corporate response at a hastily convened press conference:

“We at wtflinux feel this a brave move for an open-source project, and that applauds the boldness of the strategy. The internet will be no-doubt full of critics and ney-sayers. And usually we are at the vanguard of the piss-taking. But today, just for a change, we’re not going to pick holes, or take any easy cheap shots. Sincerely, we say to Canonical and Ubuntu, we wish you every success with your venture!

Bet you didn’t expect that, did you fuckers?”

Google IO Reaction.

Thursday, May 16th, 2013

Dateline: 15th May 2013 – Google’s IO seminar.

There has been a mixed reaction to announcements made at Google’s “IO” developer conference yesterday. Those that attended the conference in person were rewarded with a Google Pixel Laptop, gratis. However this was conditional upon being able not to slip into a boredom coma during Larry Page’s whale-song-a-like-ramble-a-thon.

The division line seems to be split between those who have carefully analysed the potential technology improvements against the glitches and early adoption issues that are normal after a change process, and the commentators who seem to enjoying a good moan for the sake of it more than Debbie doing Dallas.

Fabien Scherschel, from the highly respected Linux Outlaws waded into the debate with “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”

Meanwhile, Ricardo Bilton of Venture Beat added the observation that “Ewwwww, it smells of poo and I don’t like it. I WANT A PONY, AND I WANT IT NOW”.

A crying fucking child getting all mardy about G+ yesterday.

A crying fucking child getting all mardy about G+ yesterday.

We asked Google to comment, but they were too busy avoiding their fucking tax bills.

More MySQL Replacements Announced

Friday, April 5th, 2013

With concerns that Oracle’s acquisition of Sun calls into doubt the future of the popular free database system MySQL, developers have been hard at work creating viable replacements for them. The picture has become quite confusing, so we’ve compiled a special digest of all the players, to help you get to grips with the changing database landscape.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

Mega Attack Bitch Overlord DB

Developer: Tweeeeek Vurbishingleplop

Licence: Public Fruity Nice 3.7(ab6)

Description: Tweeeeek has been concentrating on securing the venture funding to secure the project long term. He is somewhat behind target at only 3.6 Billion Dollars, but hopes to fill his boots and actually have a product in the coming months. So far, a couple of IDE’s have been fiddled with and a PERL script that automatically fetches Pictures of Pamela Anderson with her knockers out from the web, is on Git Hub in Alpha form.

My Scrotal Tickle DB

Developer: Scrotal McTickle

Licence: Bork! Bork! 36

Description: My Scrotal Tickle has been causing an enormous fucking tsunami of interest amongst database fans. Much of the interest lies around the promises Scrotal made at TECHFUCKCon East last month. The precise details of how it will use the force to predict the installation requirements before an administrator even thinks them up, are unclear. Scrotal has also promised the syntax will be Marsupial friendly.

BD BD BD BD BD DB

Developer: Buck Rogers

Licence: Open Foreskin Sniff **!/john

Description: Rumours that the CIA are backing the development of BD BD BD BD BD DB, were started by Buck Rogers (aka Colin Failure) down his local pub. Buck has focused his development efforts on sticking his left index finger up his arse, pulling it out and asking passers by what it smells like. Buck is unmarried and can be easily manipulated by mentioning “that thing with Jill Dando”.

My Linux Action DB

Developer: Saturn Irritations INC

Licence: How to Monetise a Turd with Sound FX 3.0

Description: After choking down Larry Ellison’s noggin, Saturn will probably just slap an annoying sound board module that can’t be switched off into standard Oracle MySQL, and shit it out onto the market with a hugely inflated price and claim they’ve done the world a favour. Already, reports are emerging from sources within the development team that factions are working on “getting him to shave that fruity fucking Riker knock off beard and attend a comedy workshop to learn some funny”.

Joyent CEO Defends UK Pull Out

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

Joyent CEO, Heny Wasik gave an interview this morning, to explain the change of direction he ordered on assumption of his new role. The ex-Dell man assumed control of the San Francisco based Cloud company in November last year. Almost immediately, he put a halt on all the company’s change processes to re-evaluate the wisdom of the direction they were taking. One of the first decisions he made was to recant on a move already made to start a support operation in the UK. Here’s how the conversation with our correspondent, Johann Ticklebollock, went.

HW 10 Minutes to Wapner.

JT I appreciate you giving me the time to talk Mr Wasik, I’ll try to keep this on schedule.

HW 9 Minutes to Wapner.

JT So how are you finding your new role at Joyent?

HW I’m excellent CEO. Excellent CEO. Dad always let me drive the company. Excellent CEO.

JT Uh, right. So talk me through the rationale behind reversing a process that’s already in motion?

HW 246

JT I’m sorry, I don’t understand?

HW 246 Toothpicks, definitely 246, I’m an excellent CEO.

JT OK, but how does that relate to leading people to believe they had gained employment with your company, and be told they hadn’t after they had already resigned their existing employment?

HW Flying’s very dangerous. In 1987 there were there were 30 airline accidents. 211 were fatalities and 230 were definitely passengers.

JT I’m sorry Mr Wasik, but that doesn’t address these important questions. What have you to say to these people who’s careers have been effectively halted on your whim?

HW I’m an excellent CEO.

JT That’s not under dispute here,  but the matter of corporate ethics is…

HW 8 Minutes to Wapner

JT please don’t evade the question Mr Wasik, 8 minutes is plenty of time to address, maybe even apologise for the damage you’ve done.

HW There are 246 toothpi…..

JT OH SHUT UP YOU FUCKING RETARD!

Wasik with our correspondent, yesterday.

Wasik with our correspondent, yesterday.

We spoke briefly with Steve Ballmer, he said “Only a really irritating skinny careless little cocksucker would fuck up somebody’s life and not have the decency to pick up the phone.”

Settlement reached in Python trademark dispute

Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

The Python Software Foundation have announced that they have reached a Settlement with PO Box Hosting over their use of the Python name.

PO Box Hosting are said to be very happy with all the publicity.

A PO Box Spokesperson giving his reaction yesterday.

A PO Box Spokesperson giving his reaction yesterday.

Ballmer Star Wars 2

Wednesday, March 27th, 2013

ballmer-akbar-crap

Finally…

Saturday, March 23rd, 2013

Today was the first day since this blog started that the Ubuntu UN Intervention story wasn’t the most read story on the site.

For fucks sake people, it’s wasn’t that good.

Pycon Sack-o-Rama

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

mySuperLamePic_00e5267796d558bd02c1666394bab0c4

Controversy raged this week at PyCon after loads of people were either sexist, too touchy or moronic.

Some employees allegedly from PlayHaven kicked things off by being Bernard Manning without the laughs. Adria Richards then doubled down on the daftness by turning a perfectly reasonable complaint into a “fling your poo at a desk fan fest” by splashing it all over Twitter. Who’d a thunk anyone might be reading twitter huh? Richard’s employer, SendGrid couln’t resist jumping on the ‘full retard’ bandwagon by sacking her, when a five minute hairdryer bollocking for the twitter bullshit was the appropriate response. And feeling left out of the party like a 9 year old girl, Playhaven decided to throw an apeshit tantrum, and sack some of it’s employees. Nothing empowers an employee to learn from their mistakes (admittedly they were fuckwitted-dipshit mistakes) like not having a job eh chaps?

Following this new default procedure of ensuring there’s some blood on the carpet at the slightest hint of poor behaviour, I’ve been reviewing my own prejudice concerning the comments I’ve made recently about Steve Ballmer being an irritating chubby cocksucker. As this is clearly in breach of wtflinux’s CSR & Inclusiveness guidelines, I have hereby to inform myself that I no longer require my own services, and should hand my passwords over to myself at the end of this article.

Shit.

Radical Reddit Revamp

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

Surprising news from crowd sourced link exchange Reddit this morning. Executive from the popular service have announced major changes to the site that “will bring the site’s identity closer into line with the user experience”.

Reddit press officer Moaning F. Twatt, explained the proposed changes.

“The name Reddit has served us well up until this point, but we have become aware that only a small minority of our users actually go and read the fucking posts before whining like slapped babies, if somebody commits the heinous crime of putting an ‘nsfw’ tag on the post if the content doesn’t exactly measure up to another users concept of what nsfw should be.”

Mr.Twatt took a moment to beat the living shit of an unsuspecting journalist who had the temerity to write ‘f*****g’ in his transcript, before continuing;

“Given that we foster a wide audience of pedantic fuckers, prone to go way off the deep end at the slightest inexactitude, we felt a re-branding exercise was required before we started a jihad of detail obsessive knobbery. After consulting a corporate image consultant, we have elected to rename the site ‘didntredditbeforeifuckingmoanedaboutit.com'”.

When questioned whether there would be difficulties associated with such a long URL, Twatt rebuffed any concerns by stating that “our users are well accustomed to extremes of pointless verbosity , this should right up their street.”

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