Flicking through my local paper, I once again encountered a long standing irritation. Local tradesmen putting Ichthys symbols on their adverts.
(Here’s an explanation of what an Ichthys is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ichthys )
I have one rhetorical question about this nasty little habit: What the fuck are they trying to convey here? Well, a small dose of logic is like a litmus paper for detecting smarmy here!
I shall make an assumption here. I shall assume that Johnny tradesman will claim that they are just expressing the simple fact that they’re Christians and nothing more. To which I have to gaffaw, bollocks!
What the chuff has your Christianity got to do with my dishwasher, that motivates you to declare that you’re a Christian in an advert? You made a very conscious effort to get it prominently into the advert, so that must be relevant to how you feel you conduct your business.
Is it that you believe that Jesus guides your Monkey Wrench? Well, I don’t recall the bit in John 8:12 where Jesus proclaims “I am the light of the world, and I’ll be shit hot with your Zanussi”. At £30 an hour, the only thing I want you to be able to quote chapter and verse, is the fucking repair manual.
The most probable reason for this shoal of horse-shit invading the papers, is the “you can trust me because I’m a Christian” excuse. If I may digress for a moment. When considering the issue of trust garnered by professing religious faith, I note I have never seen a shoe and belt repairer who has a sideline in rucksacks and camping equipment, advertising with a little moon and star, to indicate they’re Muslim. But that’s a different kettle of Ichthys. What can we logically infer from this fishy statement? Is the advertiser saying they are more trustworthy than the tradesmen without the symbols? If that’s the case, do I really want such a condescending asshat in my house? Or are they saying that because they’ve found God, they won’t stick some extra bunce on the bill they haven’t earned? Well if that’s the case, I definitely won’t be having this sneaky little turd round. Why? Because what’s to say they’ve lost God again in between placing the add and my Hotpoint going on the fritz? If the only guarantee I have that the new drum belt I need won’t cost me £100 more than it should, is that you claim to have a personal relationship with a dodgy Bronze Age magician, then frankly fish-boy, you’re shit out of luck if I can find a guy in a trades association.
Now all this ‘NO JOB TOO SMALL, NO AMOUNT OF CORROBORATING EVIDENCE FOR MY HYPOTHESIS ABOUT THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE TOO SMALL’ malarky is bad enough amongst traditional tradesmen. But the computer repairs guy in the advert below really dropped my jaw…
Right Mr.Computer Fix. What makes somebody good at fixing faults with computers? It’s somebody with and inquisitive, logical and scientific mindset. When I worked at Airbus as an analyst, we didn’t have a prayer meeting prior to take off. We had shit like wind tunnels, CAD, CAM, DMU, CFD. There is one reason and one reason alone for this, SCIENCE WORKS AND PRAYER DOESN’T!