Archive for April, 2013

Details of Ubuntu China Edition Unveiled

Friday, April 26th, 2013


This morning, officials of the IT arm of the Chinese Government hosted a press conference to promote their respin of Ubuntu for the Chinese market. Comrade Commander the Community Secretariat, Jorro Beijing took the podium. Here’s a transcript of the Q&A with the assembled technical press at the event.



(CNET) How is social media integration handled in this Distro?

(JB) Well obviously, we have considered <censored> and it’s all going to be fine.

(PC World) <censored> interface?

(JB) <censored> yes.

(Heise) <censored> ?

(JB) <censored> but naturally, we reckon Unity is a load of <censored>.





Friday, April 5th, 2013



I found this cavalier approach to people, a rather disturbing attitude from the Joyent No2. So I sent him a little mimetic wisdom of my own.


More MySQL Replacements Announced

Friday, April 5th, 2013

With concerns that Oracle’s acquisition of Sun calls into doubt the future of the popular free database system MySQL, developers have been hard at work creating viable replacements for them. The picture has become quite confusing, so we’ve compiled a special digest of all the players, to help you get to grips with the changing database landscape.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

Mega Attack Bitch Overlord DB

Developer: Tweeeeek Vurbishingleplop

Licence: Public Fruity Nice 3.7(ab6)

Description: Tweeeeek has been concentrating on securing the venture funding to secure the project long term. He is somewhat behind target at only 3.6 Billion Dollars, but hopes to fill his boots and actually have a product in the coming months. So far, a couple of IDE’s have been fiddled with and a PERL script that automatically fetches Pictures of Pamela Anderson with her knockers out from the web, is on Git Hub in Alpha form.

My Scrotal Tickle DB

Developer: Scrotal McTickle

Licence: Bork! Bork! 36

Description: My Scrotal Tickle has been causing an enormous fucking tsunami of interest amongst database fans. Much of the interest lies around the promises Scrotal made at TECHFUCKCon East last month. The precise details of how it will use the force to predict the installation requirements before an administrator even thinks them up, are unclear. Scrotal has also promised the syntax will be Marsupial friendly.


Developer: Buck Rogers

Licence: Open Foreskin Sniff **!/john

Description: Rumours that the CIA are backing the development of BD BD BD BD BD DB, were started by Buck Rogers (aka Colin Failure) down his local pub. Buck has focused his development efforts on sticking his left index finger up his arse, pulling it out and asking passers by what it smells like. Buck is unmarried and can be easily manipulated by mentioning “that thing with Jill Dando”.

My Linux Action DB

Developer: Saturn Irritations INC

Licence: How to Monetise a Turd with Sound FX 3.0

Description: After choking down Larry Ellison’s noggin, Saturn will probably just slap an annoying sound board module that can’t be switched off into standard Oracle MySQL, and shit it out onto the market with a hugely inflated price and claim they’ve done the world a favour. Already, reports are emerging from sources within the development team that factions are working on “getting him to shave that fruity fucking Riker knock off beard and attend a comedy workshop to learn some funny”.

Jesting aside…

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

Ironically, Joyent posted this tweet yesterday.

Winning the war for talent? What a load of self serving bollocks.

The reason I went for the jugular in yesterday’s post is quite simple. Joyent made a terrible mistake which I fell victim to. I left a very lucrative and enjoyable job at Airbus, because I was given very strong assurances I had got a job with Joyent. This happened in Late November 2012. By January 2013, I had to hunt down the agency acting for Joyent, only to be told “Ooops, no job after all!”.

I can understand that sometimes plans change, and things don’t always work out to plan. But when you break your promises that people are banking on to pay their mortgage, the very lowest level of courtesy and decency that we humans have a right to expect, is for somebody from the company who has behaved badly, to at least speak to you to say sorry.

Nobody from Joyent has had this basic humanity yet, not a single word. So my advice to anybody considering taking any position with Joyent can only be, for the good of your career, avoid this bunch of cowards at all costs. The tweet above and the blog post it refers to is as far as the evidence I have to hand proves, a load of self serving bollocks.

Joyent CEO Defends UK Pull Out

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

Joyent CEO, Heny Wasik gave an interview this morning, to explain the change of direction he ordered on assumption of his new role. The ex-Dell man assumed control of the San Francisco based Cloud company in November last year. Almost immediately, he put a halt on all the company’s change processes to re-evaluate the wisdom of the direction they were taking. One of the first decisions he made was to recant on a move already made to start a support operation in the UK. Here’s how the conversation with our correspondent, Johann Ticklebollock, went.

HW 10 Minutes to Wapner.

JT I appreciate you giving me the time to talk Mr Wasik, I’ll try to keep this on schedule.

HW 9 Minutes to Wapner.

JT So how are you finding your new role at Joyent?

HW I’m excellent CEO. Excellent CEO. Dad always let me drive the company. Excellent CEO.

JT Uh, right. So talk me through the rationale behind reversing a process that’s already in motion?

HW 246

JT I’m sorry, I don’t understand?

HW 246 Toothpicks, definitely 246, I’m an excellent CEO.

JT OK, but how does that relate to leading people to believe they had gained employment with your company, and be told they hadn’t after they had already resigned their existing employment?

HW Flying’s very dangerous. In 1987 there were there were 30 airline accidents. 211 were fatalities and 230 were definitely passengers.

JT I’m sorry Mr Wasik, but that doesn’t address these important questions. What have you to say to these people who’s careers have been effectively halted on your whim?

HW I’m an excellent CEO.

JT That’s not under dispute here,  but the matter of corporate ethics is…

HW 8 Minutes to Wapner

JT please don’t evade the question Mr Wasik, 8 minutes is plenty of time to address, maybe even apologise for the damage you’ve done.

HW There are 246 toothpi…..


Wasik with our correspondent, yesterday.

Wasik with our correspondent, yesterday.

We spoke briefly with Steve Ballmer, he said “Only a really irritating skinny careless little cocksucker would fuck up somebody’s life and not have the decency to pick up the phone.”

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