UK Government Linux

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Hot on the heels of the announcement that the UK Government will in future give preference to Open Source software, The Civil Service has made it’s intention to embrace the initiative clear by revealing plans for it’s own custom Linux Distribution.

Heading up the project will be ex-Fedora Head of Cocking About With Daft Release Codenames, Colin-Xaviar Tickleböllock.

This morning, members of the technical press met with Tickleböllock, for a conference outlining what to expect from the project. He began by setting out some of the key features of the forthcoming ‘GovLinux’. These included:

  • It doesn’t work on Weekends, Bank Holidays or after 4pm.
  • There will be a minimum of 12 administrators per machine, all of which have to agree to changes unanimously before they can be made.
  • The minimum graphics requirement for each is a £3000 Quadro 6000.
  • Only a command line interface is available.
  • For compliance with the Data Protection Act, Databases must be accessible by only a select few. Oracle will supply the key database technologies. They’re really good at Open Source.
  • The distribution will be an unusually cutting edge project for a government department, with a Kernel based upon Linux 2.6 available by 2015.
  • To re-assure the public that money will not be wasted due to incompetence and lack leadership or technological understanding, a detailed plan of the distribution’s rolling release cycle with annual major updates is available.

Mr.Tickleböllock also announced that a specialist division of the Civil Service will be formed to oversee the radical changes expected in forthcoming months and years. The body shall be named Software, Hardware & Information Technology Executive.

The meeting came to an impromptu conclusion when Mr.Tickleböllock broke with protocol to be knocked unconscious by a stray tin of  Pineapple Chunks.


The assembled press were then invited to a post meeting buffet where Absinthe, Smelling Salts and Cocaine were promised. However, only a single stale mushroom vol-au-vent was delivered.

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Mr.Tickleböllock was unavailable for further comment on whether Steve Ballmer is an irritating chubby cocksucker before going to press. A spokesperson for S.H.I.T.E. informed us that he was engaged with advisors, considering official policy matters concerning the “is De Icaza a quisling wee twat for his limp dicked Apple sell out?” issue.


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