“No need for UN intervention” Claims Bacon

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

bacon_audoenceThis morning, the inexplicably named after a tasty breakfast sandwich Ubuntu Community Manager, Jono Bacon, sought to quell fears that UN peace keeping forces may be called upon to intervene in the Ubuntu Developer Community.

Speaking at a press conference held at Canonical’s recently completed secure compound, Mr. Bacon defended his regeme’s position to the few reporters able to squeeze into the bomb proof bunker. “Gentlemen, community community community, communitze community awesome community Unity community interface awesome”. Helpfully, an interpreter, fluent in English and Communitymanagerese, was appointed to translate Mr.Bacon’s statement into comprehensible bollocks. In digest , the statement laid out the regeme’s holy mission to create confusing launchers and shove menu and window commands where nobody could find them, was given to them directly by God, and that the forces of decadent interfaces with their imperialist ideology of giving people something that works without having to stir the mouse round the screen like a pair of underpants in a washing machine, would be crushed in battle by the righteous Ubuntu Community Army. It is unclear whether he meant the same army that had in recent days, been strapping on dynamite cummerbunds and not so much shuffling, more running into an occupied building and exploding off their mortal coils.

When pressed over the subtantive issue of why not concentrate all resources on the Desktop and Server releases while there was an obvious vacuum in the market  left by Windows 8 being utter botty trot, Mr.Bacon enigmatically but abruptly replied “Community.”

Unofficial sources in Ubuntustan, believed to be closely aligned to Generalissimo Shuttlecock have reportedly taken a more defensive line concerning the unrest. One insider is understood to have said that “being South African and likeable are seldom good bedfellows. Yeah he’s bit of a chippy tit, but at least he hasn’t shot his girlfriend while she was taking a piss recently”.

Secretary-General of the UN, Mr Ban-Ki Moon, was unavailable for comment due to the continuing emergency session of the UN, convened to deal with ” all the bat-shit crazy lumps those Ubuntu people keep gouging out of each other”. However, an earlier press release confirmed that despite the Ubuntu situation, it was still UN policy that Steve Ballmer is an irritating chubby cocksucker.


11 comments on ““No need for UN intervention” Claims Bacon

    • b1ackcr0w says:

      To be honest, there was a slight twinge of guilt having a pop in your direction, as a lot of the recent invective in your inbox has seemed somewhat out of proportion. But I felt the shoulders of Bacon/Shuttleworth/Ubuntu were plenty big enough to take it. FWIW, originally this was going to be WTFUbuntu playing on OMGUbuntu. But there’s only really one gag to make about Ubuntu, and having done it twice in the first week its already getting boring. Seeing as there’s so much tomfoolery in the wider Linux world, wtflinux was the way to go. Watch this space for other cheap piss takes of the Linux world coming soon.

      • jonobacon says:

        Hah! I had no idea it was you. 🙂

        Great writing, perfect amount of satire, and some surprisingly edgy yet comedic jabs. What is not to love. 🙂

        As for the guilt, I never try to take myself too seriously, so write whatever you like. 🙂

  1. Ubuntustan … love it 🙂

  2. Pierre says:

    Could a Communitymanagerese interpreter please translate the above comment? Thank you

  3. JGJones says:

    Haha – thanks to Jono Bacon for linking to this. However should I be worried? I actually *understood* him in order to follow the link to here? I didn’t have a Communitymanagerese interpreter present at the time. (although on the other hand…does it pay well? :D)

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