WTF-Live Event! WrongCamp 14

Saturday, October 4th, 2014

On Friday, WTFL’s own Global Logistics Resourcing Manager, Grubby Dave from City Link, successfully sodded off down the pub instead of doing his afternoon drops. While refreshing himself with a 4th pint of Gin & Tonic, he checked to see if there was anything worth selling and blaming the loss on gypsies.

Fortunately, OggCamp had donated all their T-shirts to Europe’s premier Syphilis Culture and Sharing Conference WrongCamp 14.

wrongcamp14-logoThis year there will be:

Tee Shirts!!


Communal Itching Sessions!!

Tee Shirts!!


Woot! Some Reader Feedback!

Friday, August 9th, 2013

Somebody using the email address, wrote this comment on “Ballmer Star Wars 3”.

Thanks for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was once a

leisure account it. Glance complex to far added agreeable from you!

However, how can we keep up a correspondence?

Well Tommy, Our user experience manager Horst Ticklebollock, Would like to address the points you raise directly.

Much obligations to you must in go from me Tommy!

Fluffy. It is with much knocking on the dribbler that everybody at WTFLinux put alongside the Ballmer Star Wars 3 post. Leisure account it, me and the ticklers ejaculated toppingly at your emission.  Discombobulation towards the complex notwithstanding, fluffy bunny and agreeable, whilst simultaneously not, away from me.

As for correspondence, if “fuck off you spammer” counts, the possibility is likely to be arousing.


I don’t think anybody could misunderstand Horst there. Well done you tickler ūüôā

New Ubuntu Edge Indigogo Campaign Announced

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

Earlier today, Canonical and the Ubuntu project announce an Indigogo Campaign to fund the initial release of their “Edge” Mobile phone soft and hard ware.

wtflinux’s senior industry correspondent Jose Maria von Ticklebollock put forward our official corporate response at a hastily convened press conference:

“We at wtflinux feel this a brave move for an open-source project, and that applauds the boldness of the strategy. The internet will be no-doubt full of critics and ney-sayers. And usually we are at the vanguard of the piss-taking. But today, just for a change, we’re not going to pick holes, or take any easy cheap shots. Sincerely, we say to Canonical and Ubuntu, we wish you every success with your venture!

Bet you didn’t expect that, did you fuckers?”

Holier Than Thou Fish!

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013

Flicking through my local paper, I once again encountered a long standing irritation. Local tradesmen putting Ichthys symbols on their adverts.

(Here’s an explanation of what an Ichthys is¬†¬†)

I have one rhetorical question about this nasty little habit: What the fuck are they trying to convey here? Well, a small dose of logic is like a litmus paper for detecting smarmy here!


I shall make an assumption here. I shall assume that Johnny tradesman will claim that they are just expressing the simple fact that they’re Christians and nothing more. To which I have to gaffaw, bollocks!

What the chuff has your Christianity got to do with my dishwasher, that motivates you to declare that you’re a Christian in an advert? You made a very conscious effort ¬†to get it prominently into the advert, so that must be relevant to how you feel you conduct your business.

Is it that you believe that Jesus guides your Monkey Wrench? Well, I don’t recall the bit in John 8:12 where Jesus proclaims “I am the light of the world, and I’ll be shit hot with your Zanussi”. At ¬£30 an hour, the only thing I want you to be able to quote chapter and verse, is the fucking repair manual.

The most probable reason for this shoal of horse-shit invading the papers, is the “you can trust me because I’m a Christian” excuse. If I may digress for a moment. When considering the issue of trust garnered by professing religious faith, I note I have never seen a shoe and belt repairer who has a sideline in rucksacks and camping equipment, advertising with a little moon and star, to indicate they’re Muslim. But that’s a different kettle of Ichthys. What can we logically infer from this fishy statement? Is the advertiser saying they are more trustworthy than the tradesmen without the symbols? If that’s the case, do I really want such a condescending asshat in my house? Or are they saying that because they’ve found God, they won’t stick some extra bunce on the bill they haven’t earned? Well if that’s the case, I definitely won’t be having this sneaky little turd round. Why? Because what’s to say they’ve lost God again in between placing the add and my Hotpoint going on the fritz? If the only guarantee I have that the new drum belt I need won’t cost me ¬£100 more than it should, is that you claim to have a personal relationship with a dodgy Bronze Age magician, then frankly fish-boy, you’re shit out of luck if I can find a guy in a trades association.

Now all this ‘NO JOB TOO SMALL, NO AMOUNT OF CORROBORATING EVIDENCE FOR MY HYPOTHESIS ABOUT THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE TOO SMALL’ malarky is bad enough amongst traditional tradesmen. But the computer repairs guy in the advert below really dropped my jaw…



Right Mr.Computer Fix. What makes somebody good at fixing faults with computers? It’s somebody with and inquisitive, logical and scientific mindset. When I worked at Airbus as an analyst, we didn’t have a prayer meeting prior to take off. We had shit like wind tunnels, CAD, CAM, DMU, CFD. There is one reason and one reason alone for this, SCIENCE WORKS AND PRAYER DOESN’T!

Why I disagree with +Fabien Scherschel that the new Google+ stream is universally terrible.

Monday, May 20th, 2013

1. Manual refresh is bad?

I genuinely love the fact that Google has given me back control over the refresh of the stream. Prior to the update, I would often be in the middle of a long posting, where I would want to consider the content carefully, and autorefresh would move the content downward to accommodate a new post. I found this a classic case of the interface distracting from the content, and I absolutely agree with Google, that the new method of manually accepting new posts contributes to the aim that the interface become more transparent between content and user.

With manual refresh, the content stays where I (the consumer, the most important part of the transaction at this point, I hope) put it, until I am ready to move on.

2. The variable 3 column layout is bad?

Again, I accept that this is a subjective judgement. But for me, the layout enhances my experience of G+. Before they changed it, I found myself using Facebook more than I used Google+. After the changes? I would estimate that has changed so that I use Google+ for more than 75% of my Social Web time. I think the reason for this is that G+ seems more active to me now. The screen is literally packed full of content, and somehow that gives me more reward for my scrolling effort input. Admittedly, I have occasionally found it hard to re-discover posts that I had read earlier. But I’m not convinced this is a fault of the interface, and that the posts may have been deleted, or have been suggested posts that would have been difficult to find under the old interface.

3. Autotagging is bad?

I don’t know whether Fab has criticised this feature. I don’t know whether he’s critisized the autoenhancing of photos either. To deal with both. I’ve already found the autotagging quite handy. I just gives you an instant connection to related content, and I don’t see the downside.

I think the autoenhancing of photos an excellent feature. I am utterly devoid of any artistic ability, so the automatic touching up of my photos is a blessing for me! You can turn it off if it offends you. But the suite of photo features they’ve introduced has just made it more of a pleasure and less of a hassle to use pictures with social media.

4. Hangout revisions are bad?

I’m not a complete Google schill. The confusion over what a hangout is, was plainly, a bollock dropped. But I get what they were trying to do, ie, reduce the barriers between text chat and video conferencing. What we have now is a product thats in development, purpose and branding limbo. But I can’t say that it deserves the death penalty. What do I think about this situation? I think once users understand the concept of the greater integration between text and video arenas the problem will be 25% solved, the remaining 75% will be for Google defining and tweaking their product according to user feedback.

Final Conclusion

Every time I’ve used Windows 8, I’ve found it utterly infuriating and impossible to use. However, I am prepared to accept that, a bunch of people love it, and wouldn’t want to part with it. I’ve also used every iteration of Ubuntu’s Unity interface (and Ubuntu Netbook Remix for that matter, but that’s an irrelevant digression, other than I’m specifically referring to the interfaces that are actually called Unity, not their UNR predecessors). I absolutely hated the first one with a passion, and quickly migrated to Linux Mint and Cinnamon. Nonetheless, I haven’t dismissed Ubuntu and Unity. I am still irked by what I perceive as the left handed chirality inherent in Unity, but regardless it has become more stable, more useable and less irritating with every update. Cinnamon and Mint on the other hand, has been going in exactly the opposite direction. I suspect that G+ will take a similar path. So I urge people who’ve had a similar bad start with the new direction not to dismiss it out of hand for the longer term.

Yes this means that I will have to force myself to give Win8 a fair reassessment after the forthcoming service pack. But better that than be a fundamentalist asshat.

Google IO Reaction.

Thursday, May 16th, 2013

Dateline: 15th May 2013 – Google’s IO seminar.

There has been a mixed reaction to announcements made at Google’s “IO” developer conference yesterday. Those that attended the conference in person were rewarded with a Google Pixel Laptop, gratis. However this was conditional upon being able not to slip into a boredom coma during Larry Page’s whale-song-a-like-ramble-a-thon.

The division line seems to be split between those who have carefully analysed the potential technology improvements against the glitches and early adoption issues that are normal after a change process, and the commentators who seem to enjoying a good moan for the sake of it more than Debbie doing Dallas.

Fabien Scherschel, from the highly respected Linux Outlaws waded into the debate with “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!”

Meanwhile, Ricardo Bilton of Venture Beat added the observation that “Ewwwww, it smells of poo and I don’t like it. I WANT A PONY, AND I WANT IT NOW”.

A crying fucking child getting all mardy about G+ yesterday.

A crying fucking child getting all mardy about G+ yesterday.

We asked Google to comment, but they were too busy avoiding their fucking tax bills.

Details of Ubuntu China Edition Unveiled

Friday, April 26th, 2013


This morning, officials of the IT arm of the Chinese Government hosted a press conference to promote their respin of Ubuntu for the Chinese market. Comrade Commander the Community Secretariat, Jorro Beijing took the podium. Here’s a transcript of the Q&A with the assembled technical press at the event.



(CNET) How is social media integration handled in this Distro?

(JB) Well obviously, we have considered <censored> and it’s all going to be fine.

(PC World) <censored> interface?

(JB) <censored> yes.

(Heise) <censored> ?

(JB) <censored> but naturally, we reckon Unity is a load of <censored>.




Friday, April 5th, 2013



I found this cavalier approach to people, a rather disturbing attitude from the Joyent No2. So I sent him a little mimetic wisdom of my own.


More MySQL Replacements Announced

Friday, April 5th, 2013

With concerns that Oracle’s¬†acquisition of Sun calls into doubt the future of the popular free database system MySQL, developers have been hard at work creating viable replacements for them. The picture has become quite confusing, so we’ve compiled a special digest of all the players, to help you get to grips with the changing database landscape.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

A Database, relaxing at home yesterday.

Mega Attack Bitch Overlord DB

Developer: Tweeeeek Vurbishingleplop

Licence: Public Fruity Nice 3.7(ab6)

Description:¬†Tweeeeek has been concentrating on securing the venture funding to secure the project long term. He is somewhat behind target at only 3.6 Billion Dollars, but hopes to fill his boots and actually have a product in the coming months. So far, a couple of IDE’s have been fiddled with and a PERL script that automatically fetches Pictures of Pamela Anderson with her knockers out from the web, is on Git Hub in Alpha form.

My Scrotal Tickle DB

Developer: Scrotal McTickle

Licence: Bork! Bork! 36

Description: My Scrotal Tickle has been causing an enormous fucking tsunami of interest amongst database fans. Much of the interest lies around the promises Scrotal made at TECHFUCKCon East last month. The precise details of how it will use the force to predict the installation requirements before an administrator even thinks them up, are unclear. Scrotal has also promised the syntax will be Marsupial friendly.


Developer: Buck Rogers

Licence: Open Foreskin Sniff **!/john

Description: Rumours that the CIA are backing the development of BD BD BD BD BD DB, were started by Buck Rogers (aka Colin Failure) down his local pub. Buck has focused his development efforts on sticking his left index finger up his arse, pulling it out and asking passers by what it smells like. Buck is unmarried and can be easily manipulated by mentioning “that thing with Jill Dando”.

My Linux Action DB

Developer: Saturn Irritations INC

Licence: How to Monetise a Turd with Sound FX 3.0

Description: After choking down Larry Ellison’s noggin, Saturn will probably just slap an annoying sound board module that can’t be switched off into standard Oracle MySQL, and shit it out onto the market with a hugely inflated price and claim they’ve done the world a favour. Already, reports are emerging from sources within the development team that factions are working on “getting him to shave that fruity fucking Riker knock off beard and attend a comedy workshop to learn some funny”.

Jesting aside…

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

Ironically, Joyent posted this tweet yesterday.

Winning the war for talent? What a load of self serving bollocks.

The reason I went for the jugular in yesterday’s post is quite simple. Joyent made a terrible mistake which I fell victim to. I left a very lucrative and enjoyable job at Airbus, because I was given very strong assurances I had got a job with Joyent. This happened in Late November 2012. By January 2013, I had to hunt down the agency acting for Joyent, only to be told “Ooops, no job after all!”.

I can understand that sometimes plans change, and things don’t always work out to plan. But when you break your promises that people are banking on to pay their¬†mortgage, the very lowest level of courtesy and decency that we humans have a right to expect, is for somebody from the company who has behaved badly, to at least speak to you to say sorry.

Nobody from Joyent has had this basic humanity yet, not a single word. So my advice to anybody considering taking any position with Joyent can only be, for the good of your career, avoid this bunch of cowards at all costs. The tweet above and the blog post it refers to is as far as the evidence I have to hand proves, a load of self serving bollocks.

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